


Crossing the Threshold

by magpief7



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Beauyasha if you squint, Crying, F/F, Feelings Realization, First Love, Hurt/Comfort, anxiety/depression, feelings are hard, hand holding, post ep 86, short description of violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-28
Updated: 2019-11-28
Packaged: 2021-02-18 08:20:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21591379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magpief7/pseuds/magpief7
Summary: Yasha’s return to the Xhorhouse goes about as well as she had expected and she tries to isolate herself in her room. Jester realizes that she really doesn’t want Yasha to leave again, and goes to tell her.“And looking in Jester’s eyes, noticing her breathing - her hands - Yasha just knows that Jester will wait for her, even on days when the door is closed. Even on days when Yasha feels like running.”
Relationships: Jester Lavorre/Yasha
Comments: 2
Kudos: 57





	Crossing the Threshold

The Xhorhouse stands welcome in front of Yasha under the dark, starry skies of the Dynasty. In that moment, it is such a relief to be back, but it is quiet. Quieter than wandering the wastes after Zuala’s death. Quieter than Obann’s final words, _“Avenge me.”_ Quieter than sinking her sword into Beau’s unconscious body and much quieter than the sound of stained glass windows shattering in that first moment of clarity.

Yasha is alone. Time seems to slow as she takes her first steps up towards the door. The sound of her footfalls reaches her ears, but they are muted. At the door, she feels a tightening in her throat as she imagines what waits for her inside. Fjord, pretending she isn’t there. Beau, with eyes that no longer hold the same warmth for her that they used to. Jester, with her drawings and her pastries… who knows what she’s feeling right now.

The door slowly creaks open, but not slow enough to stop the chimes from sounding. They are louder than Yasha remembers. The smell of something herbal and strong catches her nose. She hears the clatter of silverware and the bustle of light conversation. Yasha’s stomach aches with hunger, but the thought of sitting down with her friends right now sends shivers down her spine. Instead, she quickly makes her way towards the stairs. From behind her, she hears Nott call out, “Yasha! Caduceus saved a plate—“ But she doesn’t pay attention. Her face reddens a little. When she gets to the top of the stairs, she heads straight for her room and slams the door shut, sharply breathing out once she’s alone. The candles have already been lit.

* * *

Jester had been thinking about Yasha. Never really stopped - not since she had turned. When they got back to the Xhorhouse, the rest of the Nein entered while Yasha had stayed back. She had had such an intense look of fear in her eyes upon returning and said that she needed to clear her head. Jester’s heart skipped a beat at the thought of not being with Yasha after so recently having gotten her back, but before she could say anything, Yasha was already storming off. Jester went up to Yasha’s room afterwards and lit her candles, hoping that it would make it easier for Yasha to feel at home.

Now, Jester is in her room, lying on her bed, trying to draw. She has her favorite brush in hand, sketchbook open in front of her, but she can’t bring herself to start. She feels frozen, but she isn’t sure why. That’s when she hears heavy footsteps on the stairs and the slamming of a nearby door.

Immediately, Jester knows that Yasha is back. She sits up and sets aside her inks and brushes. Jester has so much that she wants to say to Yasha, but hesitates, knowing that she prefers to be alone sometimes. And by how hard she slammed her door, Jester guesses things had not gone well downstairs with the others.

But as she considers not going - staying in bed and perhaps going to sleep, something starts to well up inside of her. A pressure, or maybe a desire. It feels like fire and earth. Dense and overwhelming. The feeling tells Jester to imagine Yasha crying, alone. Nobody to hold her hands or talk to her. The feeling makes Jester desperate to see Yasha, hoping she wouldn’t leave any time soon. It’s a familiar feeling, but this is the first time Jester really _knows_ it. Knows what it commands her to do. So she gets up from her bed, leaves her room and quietly walks across the hall.

There’s a little rustling inside of the room. Jester holds her breath. The sounds quiet down, but Jester is certain she can hear Yasha breathing heavily from behind the door. Not wanting to wait any longer, Jester closes her eyes and knocks. She would have said something but finds herself surprised when no words come to her lips.

A few moments go by, and then Yasha calls out, “What do you want?” Her voice is weaker than normal, and cold too.

“It’s Jester! I just—I just wanted to talk to you.”

A few more moments of silence. Jester nervously tugs at her sleeve.

The door opens slowly, Yasha’s large figure taking up the door frame. Jester says, “Can I come in?”

Yasha looks a little taken aback, but silently nods and steps backwards into her room.

Jester walks to the windows while Yasha sits at the edge of her bed. Jester looks out at the city, trying to find the right words to say.

“Do you like the candles?”

“Oh was—was that you?”

“Yeah, I just wanted to make things a little nicer in here, you know?”

“They _are_ nice.”

Silence for a few seconds, then Jester sheepishly turns around and looks at Yasha. She looks tired. She is absentmindedly scraping one of her boots across the floor in small circles, her hands tightly pressed together in her lap. She looks small, but her face is what catches Jester’s attention. The candlelight reflects off of every detail of it, casting Yasha in a soft, angelic glow.

“Yasha, I…” “Back at the King’s Cage, I made you a promise.”

Yasha sits up a little and protests, “Jester, you don’t have to—“

“I told you that we were never going to leave you.”

“You had no idea what was--.”

“But we failed you! _I_ failed you. I can see on your face what your time with that… that _asshole_ did to you…”

Jester hesitates for moment, but when she looks at Yasha she is overcome by fire and earth, all wrapped up in her multicolored eyes. Jester shakily breathes out, and goes to sit by Yasha on the bed. Yasha flinches a bit, but doesn’t get up.

Jester continues, “ _I made you a promise_. I am so, so sorry that I couldn’t follow through.”

Yasha shifts uncomfortably but doesn’t say anything.

Softly, Jester adds, “I scried on you, you know? Every chance that I had. That’s how we knew where to find you. That’s how I knew that you weren’t yourself. I could see it in your eyes. I could see you crying in Zadash - it _killed_ me not being able to do anything about it though.

“I guess I just wanted to say… I’m glad you’re back. _So_ much has happened. There’s a lot to catch you up on.”

“Like Fjord’s accent?” Yasha quietly chimes in.

“Oh my goodness, yes, Fjord’s accent! That’s a long one.”

“For another time, maybe. Look, thank you for coming in here, but you _really_ don’t have to apologize to me.”

“Of course I do, Yasha. You’re a part of this family – you _matter_. _Especially_ after everything that’s been happening lately.”

Jester pauses for a second, her cheeks growing slightly darker.

“Look – can I--, can I hold your hand?”

“Um – If you want to, I guess so.”

“Here…”

Jester’s fingers wrap around Yasha’s. “ _I am here for you, Yasha_ ”

Yasha breathes in, and she raises her eyes to meet Jester’s. She breathes out and she finds herself in the wastelands of Xhorhas. There’s a tree in front of her, green leaves newly blossoming. It’s close to sunset, sky all orange and red. This is the only tree for miles. Quite a ways away from the rest of the tribe.

A rustling in the grass behind her, and Zuala brushes past Yasha’s shoulder, giggling softly. She’s carrying a basket of berries, dried meats, and root vegetables. Her hair is down. Zuala reaches the tree, turns around and contentedly slides down the trunk, setting down her basket and splaying her legs out in front of her. Yasha joins her. Zuala hums something sweet and then says,

“I’m glad we were able to get away today, honey.”

Yasha smiles, “Me too.”

Zuala hands her a strawberry. It is delicious.

“What do you think we should do next?”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s just so hard to keep doing this in secret, you know? Maybe we should run away into the sunset like we were lovesick teenagers.”

“We could settle down somewhere.”

“Doesn’t it sound a-maz-ing?”

“It kinda does.”

They sit for a while in each other’s company, relishing each new bite of food.

Zuala sits up and turns to face Yasha, “Listen honey, whatever happens, you are my brightest star – I love you more than anything. More than this sunset or this food.”

“But what if this is the end? What if this is our last time under this tree?”

“It may be so, but isn’t it enough to be here now, together?”

Yasha looks down and fidgets with her hands and stays quiet.

“Look, no matter what happens, I will always be with you. Always”

_“I am here for you, honey.”_

Yasha starts to shed some tears. Zuala wipes them away. Neither says anything for a while.

Zuala sighs and says, “Do you love her?”

“What?”

“Jester. She cares for you, you know.”

“I—I don’t know if I _do_. Not in that way at least.”

“But isn’t that what you said when you met me? It took you so long to figure out that we were meant to be together.”

Yasha’s tears turn into quiet sobs. Zuala reaches out and grasps her hand, rubbing her knuckles in small little circles.

“You don’t have to know now, my love. You already have a lot to think about. Just know that it’s ok. Know that I’m still with you.”

“I don’t want to leave you.” Yasha’s tears seem to be endless - water enough to turn a desert into a field of fruit and flowers.

“Nor I, you. But that’s not how things worked out, did they? At least we had this moment here, under this miraculous tree in the middle of a wasteland. And I mean, isn’t the sunset beautiful?”  
  


It is.  
  


“Go. Tell her. She is already waiting for you, whether you know it or not, honey.”

Yasha shakily breathes in and looks into Zuala’s eyes. Zuala gives her a reassuring look. _Go._ When she breathes out, a tear rolls down her cheek and she’s back in the bedroom with Jester. Quietly, she manages, “You are too kind to me Jester Lavorre.” The candlelight is growing dim.

After a moment, Jester responds, “Yasha, I—you’ve been through so much… I just want you to feel safe again.”

Yasha won’t meet her eyes, but Jester knows them well enough already after her hours and hours of scrying. Her hand is so large against Jester’s, and yet it trembles ever so slightly while she holds it in her own. A cool night breeze drifts in through the open window. Jester is afraid that if either of them lets go, it will be for the last time.

Jester swallows. “Um… If you want, I could spend the night with you. Just so you don’t have to be alone again.”

“No, that’s not necessary.” Yasha wipes some of her tears away with her other hand.

“I mean it though.”

“It’s ok Jester. I just—I just need some time.”

A moment of silence before Jester speaks again. Another cool breeze drifts through her hair.

“Ok. But I want this to continue, though.”

“What do you mean?”

“Us. This. Talking. Holding hands. I-- I don’t want to ever forget your eyes or how your hands feel. I just…” Jester’s eyes quickly dart downwards, “I care for you. It might even go deeper than that, I don’t know.”

Yasha’s shaky breathing stops for a second and Jester looks up, hoping she didn’t say something wrong. Yasha’s eyes are wide, and Jester sees new tears welling up inside of them. She blurts out, “It’s ok if you don’t feel the same way or if you want me to leave and not come back or if you just need some time I’ll just—“

Yasha takes her hand back from Jester’s and scoots backwards a little on the bed. Jester feels a sharp pang of guilt the second she can’t feel Yasha anymore.

Yasha looks at Jester and stammers, “I—You—“

Jester whispers, “I don’t want to leave you again. I _won’t_ leave you again.”

“But after everything I’ve done, all of the pain I’ve brought you and the others—“

“Not again. This time for real. _This time_ I want more for us, if you’ll let me.”

“But you know me, you know the past I bring with me.”

“ _Yes_.” Jester emphatically responds, her voice wavering.

“You _know_ the violence I bring with me.”

” _I do, Yasha_.”

In that moment, tears streaming down her face, a cool breeze gently running through her hair, the sweet scent of candle smoke in the air, Yasha is sitting under a tree with Zuala. Yasha is watching the carnival with Beau. Yasha is standing at the bow of the Balleater during the storm and Yasha is standing in front of the house, door closed. But this time, she knows that Jester waits inside for her. Jester waits inside with sweet, jam-filled pastries. Jester waits inside with paints and flowers. Jester waits inside with a new, adventure-filled story to tell. And looking in Jester’s eyes, noticing her breathing - her hands - Yasha just _knows_ that Jester will wait for her, even on days when the door is closed. Even on days when Yasha feels like running.

In that moment, Yasha feels a door open a little bit. Just a crack. Yasha breathes in, and the world stops spinning. Yasha breathes out, gently pushes the door open, and steps outside. A familiar feeling comes bursting up from the depths of her grief. Fire. Earth. Jester _cares_ about her. Cares _for_ her _._ Yasha can feel that now, and the fire and earth in her soul tells her not to let go. Not yet.

“I don’t know what I have left to give anymore. So much has changed. I don’t know what I need to do or where to go. There’s a lot of work to be done. But, if you really want me, I… I think I want this to continue too.”

Jester’s eyes light up, “Really?”

Yasha laughs lightly, “I think so.”

“Ok! Then… can I hold your hands again?”

Yasha breathes out sharply, and in almost a whisper she says, “That sounds nice.”

Once more, their fingers intertwine with each other, but this time, Yasha can feel the warmth coursing between them. This time, it feels like home. They both lean in and rest their foreheads together. Some tears fall onto their hands. Yasha says, “I won’t leave you again.”

Jester tilts her head up and plants a long kiss on Yasha’s forehead.

“Thank you,“ Jester says, “For coming back to me.”

The room is quiet now, but Yasha is ok with that. She thanks the Stormlord - thanks the _Traveler_ for this moment. For all of the moments yet to come.

“Would you be upset if I wanted to sleep alone tonight?” Yasha asks.

“No. Not at all.” Jester pulls her head back to look Yasha in the eye, “But I’ll look forward to seeing you again in the morning.”

Yasha sniffles a little. “Morning it is then.”

After a few more minutes of holding hands. Jester pulls away and stands up. She puts her hand on Yasha’s shoulder, “Goodnight, Yasha.”

“Goodnight, Jester.”

* * *

By the time Jester walks out of the door and her footsteps have faded away, all of the candles in the room have gone out. The stars are shining in full force, beautiful and small. The room is quiet save for the gentle sound of wind blowing through the leaves of the tree on the roof. The room is dark, but not completely - a tiny sliver of light creeps into the room from where Jester left the door slightly ajar.


End file.
